All quotes and yummies from the teacher Gay & Katie Hendricks:
Sexual problems are seldom about sex. Sex is the canary in the coal mine. When the canary keels over, coal miners do not apply CPR to the bird. They focus on fixing the larger problem, often invisible and pervasive, that is behind the obvious and visible bird problem. In over 90 percent of the cases in which I have been consulted regarding sexual problems,the sexual issues cleared up when more fundamental problems were handled. About 10 percent of the time, there was actually something wrong with the physiology or the technical aspects of sex that needed addressing. Sexual communication is the solution to almost every sexual problem. Again, amazingly enough, we receive little or no training in this crucial life skill in the traditional educational system.
Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you will begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own.
Willingness to learn from each moment--as opposed to defending ourselves by stonewalling, explaining, justifying, withdrawing, blaming--is much more important than IQ, family background or education. The great advantage of openness-to-learning is that you're in charge of it at all times. You can choose to shift out of defensiveness into genuine curiosity at any moment.
If you tell the truth at all times, you will have clear relationships with everyone. If you do not, things will get out of control very quickly. To get back into the flow of harmony, all your have to do is look to see where you stopped telling the truth to yourself or someone else, and fix it by telling the truth.
The choice to experience life as a genuinely powerful person librates a huge amount of creative energy, and most people are unwilling to enjoy that amount of energy.
…we aren’t responsibility for creating all the bad things that happen to us. But we can claim responsibility for the bad things that happen and learn a lot about ourselves by doing so. It all depends on whether you think of responsibility as something you are or as something you do. For us, the onlyuseful way of thinking about responsibility is as something we do. We use an operational definition of responsibility, not a theoretical one: Responsibility is an action you take, not a quality that can be assigned. A judge and jury can assign responsibility to a criminal for an act, but that criminal’s life will not begin to change until he or she makes a conscious choice to take responsibility…
The key point is this: There is tremendous healing power in taking responsibility for something right now in the present, but no healing value in looking back to the past to blame yourself or anyone else.